Too much sadness-here's a couple of funnies

My girlfriend was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.
As I got up to walk out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for a present. "I'd like to be eight again" she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and huge bag of M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!"

The moral of the story: even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

AND...

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

The last one was pure gold ... I almost wish it wasn't a joke

Gold