When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden
the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of
the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree...................
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SMART GUY
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!'"
A self-induce hangover - $100:00
Broken furniture - $200:00
Hot breakfast - $10:00
Saying the right thing - priceless!
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Teacher arrested - new weapons!
NEW YORK
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-gebra" movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
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A KISS ON A TRAIN
FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it
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DEAD HORSES A CORPORATE METAPHOR
"... The tribal wisdom of the native American Lakota people, passed on from generation to generation, says "when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education and the corporate world, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a bigger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course my favourite...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position."
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FACT OR FICTION
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his behind.
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ENGLICH CRICKETERS
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is freddie flintoff the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Strauss?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.
Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.
Q. What does Harmison put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost
always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
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An Elephants Incredible Memory
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant
stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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A THOUGHTFUL WIFE
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
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COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" In chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
• One chalk mark $1
• Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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HEARING
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL AUTHOR
Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared. "Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives in Redmond, Washington, writing error messages for Microsoft.
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HORSE SENSE
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen very carefully ...for....the....last....time I said.....
"BRING POSSE"
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OUCH!
The General is visiting the Infirmary one day and comes across a ward of 3 young men.
"And what is your problem son?" he asks.
"Tinea, Sir"
"The Treatment?"
"Stiff Bristle Brush in the morning, Sir!"
"Your aspiration?"
"To Return to my Unit ASAP, Sir!"
"Good Man".
Then to the next young one, "And what is your problem son?" he asks.
"Haemorrhoids, Sir"
“The Treatment?"
"Stiff Bristle Brush in the morning, Sir!"
"Your aspiration?"
"To Return to my Unit ASAP, Sir!"
"Good Man".
And as he turns to the last young fellow to ask his question, the answer comes back,
"Strep Throat, Sir!"
"The Treatment?"
"Stiff Bristle Brush in the morning, Sir!"
"Your aspiration?"
"To be first in the morning with the Stiff Bristle Brush, Sir!!!!!
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NURSING THOUGHTS
And they say our health service is still in good condition and we should be confident in hospital care.
Actual writings on major regional hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient had been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Patient fell over large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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OLD BUTCH
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young egg-laying hens called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out efficiency ACA report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favourite rooster was Old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
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13 Meanings for PMS
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favourite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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ROMAN WAR HORSES, TRAINS AND SPACE SHIPS
Does the statement "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Thus, bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's a*se came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of two horse's a*ses.
And you thought being a horse's a*se wasn't important!!
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The Squirrel and the Grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers. Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
