Old Jokes but i like them

[Jonno]

Before anyone says anything this has been posted here before by me and a few others some time ago.


How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Sound familiar

[Jonno]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"







"Ralph, for THE FIFTH *@#&*@#&*@#&*@#&ING TIME.......CHICKEN!"

[Jonno]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Medicare Rebate, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"Not you, me" replied the nurse.

[Jonno]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.


I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."


She said, "Well you watch porn."

[Jonno]

No Nativity Scene permitted in the Australian Capital

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable

[Jonno]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............





You'll like this












NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!

[Jonno]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Jooliar to grant you three wishes, since you?ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children ? all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'


The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.


The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms ? and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.


PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.


'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.


The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said ?I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where?s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to
sweet f*** all like the rest of us?.
And she disappeared

[Jonno]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Jonno]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

[Jonno]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

[Jonno]

I am passing this onto you cause it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner piece is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see the things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving for work this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of prungles, tha mainder of botl Prozac and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of da chesescke and a bux o chokletz. Yu havd no idr howz bludy fablus I feel rit e now, Ina peice YEHHHHA!!!!

[Jonno]

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!' The man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting and played golf.

Drank beer and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

I know someone like that

[Jonno]

For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters

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Shawn and paddy go on a dive trip,after a while shawn says to paddy,
Why do you think they always fall off the boat backwards?

Paddy replies.
Well if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat STUPID!

[Sulli]

[quote="Jonno"]For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters

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got in first $50 posted

[Jonno]

too late John